“I Do”

~ Esther Mitchell, 2013~

 

Do you know what it’s like to live every day,

Broken down, beaten down, and demeaned?

I do.

You put me there in every raised tone,

Every belittling word,

Sharper than any knife,

More damaging than any fist.

 

Do you have any idea what it’s like,

To bite down on your tongue until it bleeds,

For fear speaking your mind will tear away

What little peace and tranquility you manage to cling to?

I do.

My tongue is battered and bruised,

Holding back my thoughts, my feelings,

Because I know I’ll only earn your disdain,

And the screaming… the screaming!

 

Do you know what it’s like,

To be made into the monster for daring to have an opinion?

To be told I’m wrong at every turn,

Because you “disagree” with everything I have to say,

And you’re “entitled to” your opinion, which always makes mine wrong?

I do.

You twist that vicious knife,

After goading me into revealing my feelings,

And then have the nerve to whine,

How I never talk to you.

 

You have no idea what it’s like,

To live trapped inside your mind,

To live with your heart bleeding from the inside,

And know there’s no escape.

You’ve never taken responsibility for any part of your life,

Instead blaming everyone and everything else,

And excusing away your appalling actions.

I’ve shouldered all the cost,

Heart, and soul, and more,

While you’ve lied and cheated your way through life,

To me, to others, to yourself.

Now I’m left with nothing,

But a pile of debts,

A bleeding, mangled heart,

And nowhere left to turn.

 

I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done,

You’ve made it abundantly clear to me you don’t care,

Your words, your deeds, your closed mind, heart, and ears,

Speak volumes you try to shout down with “I don’t mean to” and “I’m trying.”

 

When you love someone, you don’t have to try,

When you care, you think before you act or speak,

So what does it say about us,

When I hear “I didn’t mean to” more than I’ve ever seen “I love you” in action?

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